What makes single men more unhappy than men in relationships, while women, on the contrary, feel better as singles? And what skills are actually good to have in intimate relationships?
Veronica Flyman wants to find out. She is a doctoral student at the Department of Sociology and Work Science and is researching singleness, love and alienation in contemporary Sweden.
“I want to find out what it is in singles’ relationships, and what they do in their relationships, that leads them to either feel satisfied, to feel that they are living a good life and feel secure in themselves, or to mourn the fact that they do not have a life partner and are afraid of dying alone.
As early as the beginning of the 20th century, sociologist Emil Durkheim noted that suicide is more common among married women and unmarried men.
‘It's a pattern that has stuck and is very interesting,’ says Veronica Flyman. "I think it's partly because women are better at emotional work than men are.
The ability to manage emotions
Emotional labour is the ability to manage one's own and others' emotions and create a desirable emotional state, such as showing care, love, affection and respect, supporting, comforting and affirming.
‘It's a fantastic ability to have! Single women are better at forming social bonds because they show the care, love, affection and affirmation that make relationships last. Men don't have that ability in the same way. When men become single, they tend to experience much more isolation and loneliness,’ says Veronica Flyman.
Love is mutuality
With her thesis, Veronica Flyman wants to change people's views on love and relationships.
"I want people to know what skills are important to have when forming intimate bonds with others. And I want to emphasise that the idea that caring for each other should only happen in private is limiting in so many ways! Showing mutual care and allowing each other to be vulnerable is a principle that should be generalised, in my opinion.
Veronica Flyman defines love as ‘a mutual recognition of each other's vulnerability,’ something we can only achieve together with others. The definition comes from the philosopher Hegel, who wrote that for a marriage to last, the two must recognise each other as unique individuals and find a commonality in both being individuals together.
"When I interview single people, I notice that what they want in a relationship is to be able to be themselves. And that requires both partners to allow each other to be vulnerable and to treat each other with kindness in their vulnerability."
"Sociological analyses are lacking in the debate"
Veronica Flyman developed an interest in social issues at an early age, and even when she applied to secondary school, she knew that she wanted to conduct research and teach.
“I love teaching! And I think sociology needs to become more widely accessible. When you read the news and debate articles, everything is so psychologised. Take Donald Trump, for example; his power and behaviour are explained by the fact that he is a narcissist. This is just one example of the lack of sociological analysis and perspective in public debate, she says.
That is why Veronica Flyman wants to reach more people with her research. Teaching is one way. Other ways include writing opinion pieces and participating in panel discussions, which she also enjoys doing.
“Then there was a personal experience that got me interested in issues surrounding intimacy, love and sexuality, and that was when I myself was subjected to sexual and psychological violence in a close relationship, by a man. After ending that relationship, I became interested in understanding what happens in relationships that causes them to develop in that way when people claim to love each other,” she says.
The ‘love professor’ attracted her to Gothenburg
The fact that Veronica Flyman, who previously studied in Lund, where she also lives, ended up pursuing doctoral studies at the University of Gothenburg is thanks to Emma Engdahl, professor of sociology at the Department of Sociology and Work Science.
“Emma Engdahl is my supervisor now. She has written extensively about love, and specifically love as a real social phenomenon, not as an abstract, fluffy ideal that everyone can define for themselves.
Intensive writing phase
Halfway through her doctoral studies, Veronica Flyman is now in an intensive writing phase.
‘I write and write, about love and alienation and gender and capitalism and social criticism and singleness,’ she says.
This phase was, of course, preceded by data collection. She interviewed 19 singles, almost all of them twice. Veronica Flyman also teaches, an intensive period each semester, lasting about a month, when she has many lectures and seminars.
‘And then you have to take courses yourself, as part of your doctoral education.’
"Do the stuff that's a bit boring too!"
Veronica Flyman has some advice for anyone considering pursuing a doctorate:
“It’s very important to do something you enjoy, to feel personally committed to what you’re doing, because that makes it so much easier. And have a clear goal in mind! And actually tackle the things you might find a little boring too. I'm not that interested in statistics, but I think it's still good to know statistics, because then I can come up with arguments in relation to it. And you may need to read the sociologists that you find a bit boring too, in order to better formulate for yourself what it is you don't like," concludes Veronica Flyman.
In public debate, Veronica Flyman has mainly been involved in the phenomenon of soft girls, in two panel discussions, Vetenskapsradion (Science Radio) and an opinion piece.
Text: Elisabeth Walther Lindqvist
